Coming out of the Bathroom

One of the choices that everyone with IBD must make is how and when (if at all) to tell people of their condition. This can be a decision that makes IBD sufferers feel frustrated, ashamed, confused and in the end, hopefully relieved. But everyone has to decide for themselves how they want to "come out of the bathroom" to family, friends, co-workers, and love interests (aka future husbands and wives).

I decided for myself that I would just tell people straight up what was going on with me and my Crohn's. I'd like to say that it's only because I am super secure with myself and that I really just don't care what people think--if my IBD is too much of a problem, then I won't waste my time with them. But I think that mostly I am quick to disclose my condition because I can't be bothered coming up with excuses or having to deal with questions/whispers/etc. about why I have to go to the bathroom a lot or why I might suddenly lose a noticeable amount of weight.

Before I go on, I just want to make one thing clear: I'm a pretty open person in general, but it's not like when I meet someone I introduce myself and then say "Hey! I have Crohn's Disease, too!" I'm not a complete nutjob. What I'm referring to is informing people that I will (hopefully) have a longterm relationship with what the deal is upfront, so that we're all on the same page--whether it be a girlfriend, co-workers, etc. This has worked out pretty well for me. For instance, one of the biggest problems that I have with my Crohn's is that I have a lot of gas (or flatus, in medicalese). I know it's not the most polite thing to talk about, but imagine if you have to work around it! On certain days (it isn't that common) the people that I work with in lab should really be canonized for sainthood...but they know why I have the problems that I do and they deal with it and don't make me feel bad about it, loving me anyway (as well as plugging their noses. Again, sorry if I'm getting a little vivid).

In general, though, I think that people need to be more upfront about the condition that they have, instead of hiding it. This relieves them of their shame, and also helps educate others. As I alluded in an earlier post, the incidence of Crohn's and other forms of IBD is rising worldwide, and people need to be aware of it--in terms of making restrooms more available to IBD sufferers, being more compassionate when someone gets ill or needs to interrupt a meeting/get-together for an (all too frequent) bathroom break, etc. I think part of the problem is that our society has a big time hangup with anything remotely related to eating and processing food, so we don't like to talk about it. But that's exactly what we need to do.

Telling Eileen I had Crohn's was relatively easy because I think she knew it before we even started dating (I'll ask to make sure). I actually told my medschool class about my CD very early on, because it came out in a Clinical Skills class we had. We had to interview a "standardized patient", basically an actor who plays the part of someone with a disease. Well, this actor was supposed to have Crohn's Disease, and in my effort to NURS (Name, Understand, Respect, Support) this standardized patient, I mentioned that I had the disease too and so I could empathize with their difficulties. I wasn't sure I was supposed to do that (obviously it's all about the patient, not the doctor), but I went ahead and did it because I thought it would be a good discussion point for the class (we watched videos of our interviews together). Basically our class decided that it was okay to drop information like that as a physician if you are 1) comfortable doing so and 2) not making it all about your problems. Obviously it is helpful in engendering some doctor/patient trust. But, like all powerful tools, it must be used judiciously. Anyhow, this is a long way of saying that Eileen basically already knew that I had Crohn's and didn't care, which is good. I think in a way it has ended up making her love me more (if it's even possible!), because she will always have a very special way of taking care of me that nobody else can. :)

So, if you have IBD and are comfortable with it, tell the people who surround you every day about your condition. The more we talk about it, the less we have to be ashamed or worried about damaging consequences. If nothing else, it will make you feel better not to carry the burden of your disease alone. And I imagine you'll find (like I did) that if anything, most people want to go out of their way to help you.

On an only moderate tangent: I was reading Newsweek and found an interesting article about dating websites for people who have a medical condition and are worried about the "big reveal" concerning their problem. If you have CD or any other disease, have anxiety about telling potential girlfriends/boyfriends, but are still looking for love (and darn it, you should be), these might be places to start! Note, however, that I have no experience with either. I found my honey in medical school.

For people with Crohn's and Irritable Bowel Syndrome: http://www.irritatedbeingsingle.com
(Totally dig the punny name)

For people with medical conditions in general:
www.Prescription4Love.com
(I don't know about the name of this site; it sounds like a bad reality TV show. But hey, it's the intent, not the name, that counts)